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AyyCee
17 February 2012 @ 03:26 pm
Every seems to use that phase so lightly, but do people really change just because its a new year? 
Maybe not within the first week but essentially people do change. We're getting older, wiser, and sick of the past.
People are always changing and growing. So heres my New Year New Me

  All my life people have just left or have been walking in and out of my life. For example: My dad. So many times he's come 
in and out of my life. Well within this past year he has decided to distance himself from me. He started by telling me he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. Well recently he's been attempting some type of relationship with me, but only for his benefit.
I forgave him because he's my dad but it still hurts me every fucking day to know that he could just easily walk out. How does someone just do that? And hes not even the only one recently to do such things. People i enjoyed spending time with, people i THOUGHT were my friends have just dropped me. And there are 2 people who just keep decided to leave then realize they didnt really want to and apologize and just come back in. Sure my dumb ass forgives them every time, but it doesnt just make it ok.
 
  Well im tired of hurting over these people. I live strongly by the saying "Friends dont give up on friends" and if they were really my friends they wouldnt just give up and walk out when things dont go their way. Sure shit happens and people fight and stop talking for a couple of days but when its all said and done, you move on and forgive eachother. Dont just give up on the friendship. So from now on, once you leave, youre gone. Im fed the fuck up.  

  As much as i dont want to loose the people im pretty much aiming at, i cant keep trying for a friendship that they can just so easily throw away. 

Like Cherie always said, "its not about the amount of years you've been friends with someone, its the quality of that persons friendship; rather you've known them 2-10 years or for only 6 months. "

SO TRUE



 
 
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: somewhere only we know- Keane
 
 
AyyCee
11 July 2011 @ 01:38 pm

So what do you do when your ex let you use theyre deceased fathers DVD player, and they left, idk, 7 shirts and a dvd at your house, but decided they were going to change their number and block every single social networking site? I dont want the shit in my house. But because its her fathers DVD player, i dont have the guts to just throw it out. Im not an asshole. Normally if it were just clothes id throw it all away, but its not. Theres no way of contacting her apparently so WTF do i do??? My options are limited....I cant just drive to her house and leave it on the front lawn. She lives in Chalmette. Fuck that drive. And i would leave it at her job but the people who work at David Dr. are not the most trusting. And the only other option is to drop it off on Devins lawn but that kid doesnt deserve to have to walk out and see that.


Not to mention i have her tv stand and her dresser...i dont want it. I dont want anything to remind me of her.
Ive gone through and deleted every picture and threw out ever birthday card, valentines day card, and anniverary cards. And as much as i miss being able to talk to her, its best that theres no contact between us.


 
 
AyyCee
30 April 2010 @ 10:37 pm
I dont understand how it all happened so fast, but all i know is that it did.
I hve her, and she is mine. i couldnt be happier with the way things turned out.
I know there are going to be bumps in the road, but i am so inlove with her that
those bumps will be totally worth it. I trust her 110% i tell her everything. THings
i wouldnt imagine id be telling someone i was in a relationship with, but she is different.
In every which way possible. She'll just sit there and admire me, and tell me im beautiful
and she likes to listen to what i have to say. Shes not there to judge me or correct me on the
things i talk about. We can sit and talk for hours about nothing. She lets me do me, she enjoys
the same things i do. She's everything id ever asked for. I feel like she's such an angel, that im
living a fantasy. But EVERY day i wake up and shes still laying there next to me...so it must be real.
im just so happy with her, and it, for once, doesnt scare me. Im not trying to run away from happiness anymore.
Infact im perfectly comfortable where im at. Im here to stay and so is she. And knowing that is awsome. We arent
unsure about loving eachother. We KNOW we're inlove. I was so tired of being in and out of relationships questioning
my feelings for people and them questioning theres for me, and jsut all the bullshit that comes along with relationships.
For once im with someone and not worrying about anything but US, no future, no past, no rumors, noones judgement,
NOTHING!! I still get butterflies everytime i see the moon, or look into her eyes. Every kiss sends my heart racing. Every touch
gives me chills. And when she LOVES me, my body will just go numb. We are incredible together. I may be yound, but i know one things for sure...
Im young and inlove. And i dont care what anyone has to say about it :)
 
 
AyyCee
02 April 2010 @ 10:51 pm
Can you relate to the people you judge?
Can you imagine the things people go through,
What's hidden behind all the closed doors?
Can you sit back and put yourself in their shoes,
Live the way these people do and feel their pain?

Can you imagine a family with a dad who drinks,
Comes home when he wants just to yell at the
Confused faces of the ones who love him the most?
Can you hear the painful words said to the children
Who dont know what's going on, and a mother who
Just wants to get away, but doesnt know how?
Can you feel their pain? Imagine that.

Can you imagine a girl who sleeps around with people,
Gives all the wrong guys a chance just to feel loved?
Can you see what she sees while she's home, how
Her perents treat her and make her feel, or maybe
Hear what the guys tell her that maybe she's never
Heard before? Can you feel her pain, can you see
deeper into why she does what she does? Imagine that.

Can you imagine the poorly dressed little boy on the street,
Who's maybe never seen what a home is like, or know what
It is to be loved or to love something? Have you been to
All the orphanages he has, been passed around from
Family to family? Can you imagine the feeling of not being
Good enough for a place to call home? Can you walk in
His shoes? Imagine that.

Can you imagine a person who is extremely skinny,
Comes home to an empty fridge every night because
All her money goes to drugs that she cant get off of?
Can you feel her late night shakes of withdrawls,
Wanting something so badly when you know it's bad
For you and the only way to feel better is to cave in?
Do you know her story? Imagine that.

The world is full of people with a story that noone
Can understand. People say and do things that
Is just sad to see, because they'll never know what
They're doing to the people their hurting. Imagine their
story.
 
 
AyyCee
27 March 2010 @ 12:03 am
why?  


Im so fucking lost. It feels like im on some weird island by myself and nothing looks real or normal.
I cant decide anything on my own, im so used to having someone telling me what to do or who to be. 
Its like im a ghost walking around the life i used to be surrounded by. Im easily mis read. People dont know me.
And its mostly my fault.

I kick myself over and over again for shutting myself out of the world because I thought i wasnt good enough for everyone. I let
people manipulate me and take advantage of me for so long. I hate myself for loosing who i was and becoming the heartless,
careless person i was for so long. Ill never let go of you three. You each individually changed me into someone i never wanted
to be. And now im lost, trying to be who i am. You made me so used to control and pleasing somone that now that i dont have to
do any of those things, im having a hard time..Im constantly looking back to each relationship trying to decide what each of you
would say for all my actions, and which reaction would best suit me...just so i can make simple decisions. Im fighting a battle that
im having a hard time winning. :(                           

People honestly think im ok, and im not. Im so fucked up. The shit that runs through my head is ridiculous. Sometimes i wish i were born
a ghost so i could never feel the pain of being alone, so i could just sit back and watch this sad corrupt world play, and not give a damn.
Theres not a day that goes by that i havent done something wrong to someone in some kind of way. And i know i act like my family stuff doesnt bother me much, but it really does. I honestly wish i had a dad who came around all the time and was interested in everything i did, and a mom who loved my dad, and vise versa. Now that im older and can see deeper into the fucked up situation, it really has fucked with my head.

id better stop typing.
because there is a part of me that is really frickin happy, and in that place, everythings ok. :)



 


 
 
 
AyyCee
27 February 2010 @ 02:43 am
I've been dancing nearly all my life, and to finally realize that it's almost over really scares me. There's nothing I love more than being able to express who I am and how I feel out on the dance floor. Not having to speak, just being able to tell a story through body movements....it's a kinda high you never want to come down from. Everything about being a dancer just excites me; performing, competiting, getting hurt, working extremely hard, falling, choreographing...just the whole package. I cant believe that next Thursday will be the last time I'll ever compete in Florida. Ill never be a contestant in that competition ever again :/ But I'll be able to get over that...It's the M.A. Competition that I'll miss the most. March 20 will be the last time Ill ever compete at M.A. I've been competiting at that competition since middle school. That's along time!!! I'm really going to miss it. M.A is my favorite competition. It's on our territory, with alot of family and friends around to support us. It just sucks that after that day I'll never dance for them again! :( Which brings me to April 9, seniors last peprally. Man I'm not looking forward to that day. Not only will they be playing a "senior slideshow" which consists of pictures of our fellow graduating classmates with their friends over the last 4 years.....but that will be the very LAST time I'll dance on Grace King's floor.  I don't know what im goin to do with myself. I want to continue dancing after highschool...I just love it so much. Idk, its just been on my mind alot lately. I'm really going to miss dance team. As much as i say i hate it sometimes...Its what i live for. it just sucks that next year i wont be there... *sigh* In my heart, I'll always be a Kolleen. Always.
 
 
AyyCee
22 February 2010 @ 12:12 am

words can not describe how i feel when im with you, or even just talking to or texting you.
Its so weird for me...i never wouldve imagined my self in this situation. Im not embarrased by it
but there are just alot of people i cant tell it too. The ONLY person who really knows anything is Josh.
Because he doesnt judge me when it comes down to it. If anything, he supports me. Jonathan kinda
knows and so do my parents (which was really awkward to say) but they dont KNOW...

I just dont wanna loose respect from my friends or loose friends.

like a friend of mine said...
You cant help who you like..theres no harm in it.

and its true. i cant help my feelings.
Im just freakin confused. and notby me liking this person,
but by how the situation is going to turn out.
idk,
idk.
i just dont know

You just bring out the best in me. Im COMPLETELY myself around you. Im not worried by what you think.
Im happy. Im finding myself and being very comfortable with who i am. Ive opened my eyes to alot of things
and have kept an open mind to all kinds of stuff. Love is love. people are people. There is no diference...
 


 
 
AyyCee
14 February 2010 @ 03:32 am
so everything ive ever known is totally questionable...like im so confused.
i cant say exactly what about because i dont want people tlkin shit, but its serious.
Totally different than what ive ever expected. For once, i want something tht i cant have.
and there are so many reasons un known to why i cant have it.....

im seriously confused. likelast night when some shit went down, i cldnt think straight...
and it weirded me out bkz all i cldthink about is you? i dont understand man,

and one of the biggest reasons to y im confused is that i like jeff.
im comfortable with him and he's totally amazing, but theres someone else on
my mind...and NO ONE will ever guess it. Its nothing important though bks itll never happen. :/
But jeffs a great guy :) he gave me a bouquet of roses and a frog...its deff the cutest thing ive ever
gotten for v day.... i like him, unfortunately i have to wait and see
how he is out in the clubs...


yet im kinda over them...theclubs  i mean. everytime i go, i get in a fight. not cool.
 
 
AyyCee
30 January 2010 @ 06:34 pm
This week really opened my eyes to alot of things. I really thought i needed you...but i dont. Infact, i feel better
that we limited our time seeing eachother. Its like im myself again. Im not relying on anyone anymore. Its great.
I mean ill always love you...still do, but im happier this way. Im not so tempted to text you and see you as much.
When i do see you, i think about you, and want to tlk to you and all that, but it used to be constant temptation.
This is weird to me. I guess it has alot to do with what ive been doin with my time. Ive been keeping myself occupied
with important things. I also have people to talk to that understand me now. well mainly one person, Lauren. Like she
finally understands certain things and she's easy to tlk to. Along with a few others..

Ive also got GREAT grades in Algebra 2. I have the highest A in my class. I actually understand what im doing
i feel that i can also do better on the act now. im aiming for a 24. so i can get a scholarship and not have to come up
with so much money for shit. Ive got plans. Still dont know where im goin to school yet...but ill figure it out soon.

I've also realized what drugs have done to my friends. It has changed them. And its sad to see it. People say that time will
change things, but i believe its the things people do in their time. If you revolve your life around drugs, you'll change. And you'll
loose people too. Ive distanced myself to people who smoke all the time. Its sad to see that i was like that. I see what i was doing
and who i was becoming. Thank God it didnt last too long. Im not saying im against it, or dont do it. But i do it rarely now. Like very
rarely compared to what i used to do. If i never wanted to smoke again, i cld do it. I cld do it with no problem too. But i miss the
friends i used to know. Josh, Dusang, Justin...and other people...many other people have just changed, and it sickens me.
ughhhhh
 
 
AyyCee
25 January 2010 @ 10:51 pm
Is it bad if im addicted to going out? If i feel more myself when im out then i do most of the time?
I feel like im waisitng my life away when im there, but its just so much fun. The music, the people,
just the whole atmosphere. I love it! Being able to dance, and meet  new people. Its just my thing.
Except it sucks at the same time because not only do i blow so much money there, Im drinking all the time.
Its so bad for  my health...Grant it, i dont drink nearly as much as i used to but still..its enough.

And being the way i am, i can NEVER settle down in a relationship if the guy doesnt enjoy going out once
in a while...because i like to dance with people, and have fun and if my "boyfriend" cant or wont do so...then
hows that suppose to work? idk i guess its cause im young, and enoying my youth and freedom...im sure this
going out thing will get old and become a once in a while thing...hopefully.